Hi, my name is Tim, and I am an addict. I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step. I am not really sure what the other steps are, and admitting I have a problem is like stating the obvious. You would have to be dead not to have noticed. Someone should probably have some kind of intervention for me. Some of you reading this are probably addicted as well. Go ahead and admit it. I will let you know the second step in the program when I get there.
A couple weeks ago I was Alfa-less for the first time in years. That is not to say I did not have my Alfas. They were both still sitting in the driveway. The problem was just that. They were both sitting in the driveway. No driving! Sure, in the past one of them would fail. I can remember having to get towed home so I could swap vehicles and head back towards the office in the morning. That is why you have to have at least two. In fact, we keep a third car just in case of the story I am about to tell.
The third car is not an Alfa. It is not European. It is not old. It is not sexy. It is not high performance. It is not even rear wheel drive (no offense 164 owners…) Hell, the only thing our tertiary backup car has in common with an Alfa is four wheels, an engine, some seats, etc. It is a 2006 Scion xB. We call it “Tostapane,” Italian for toaster. The newer models have some minor curves. The early body style is a box. The newer models have more power than a spider. The first generation only has 104hp. It is almost like driving an old diesel. You put your foot down and nothing happens. It makes a lot of noise, but you do not go anywhere fast. Sure maybe it could outrun some old English tractors, but forget about out running anything you would commonly see on the road today.
So how did I end up in the third car? Well, the spider had been off the road for weeks. The exhaust had given up in a bad way. Everything from the cat back is brand new. All the gaskets and hangers are new. No leaks to be found. From the cat forward is another story. On S3 spiders the cat is part of the exhaust from the manifold to the first muffler. It is a pretty hearty piece of steel. But time takes it toll on everything. The seams had given up down most of the length of one side of this pipe. So not only did I have an exhaust leak, it was right in front of the driver. How exciting. Nothing gets you going in the morning like fresh exhaust fumes in a closed car. Truth be told, I have probably been driving the car like this for a while. Once I actually saw how bad the leak was, I realized there was nothing good for my health happening to and from work each day. Not to mention the Eau du exhaust cologne. So naturally I parked it while awaiting parts (read: cash flow) for the repair.
The Milano was the new car of choice. What is not to like? The radio works. The air blows cold. The Recaros are oh so nice. And, the engine is amazing!! Wait, what was the second reason the car was so great? Cold air? That is until the compressor freezes up on the interstate one day! (Interesting how the term “freezing up” refers to when the compressor overheats and blows itself to bits on the inside due to a lack of oil) So now the Milano is parked as well. I know some of you are wagging your head and thinking bad thoughts of me for not driving a car because the air is not working. But how many of you live in south Louisiana? I know for sure all the members in New Orleans are wondering how I can drive the car down here in the summer even with the air working!! In fact, I have some friends who own newer modern cars from various continents, and even their a/c had trouble keeping up with the soaring temps we have seen recently! Anyways, the a/c was dead, and so was the car as far as I am concerned.
And here I sit in the Scion. Remember the last article I wrote? The one about modern cars versus our old Alfas? Well the Scion fits the bill. Except it is like a modern car with training wheels. There is not enough power to get into trouble. The tall seating position and high boxy shape make even the most confident driver lose his nerve long before the car loses grip. Everything electrical works. There are no gauges. I have a speedometer and a tachometer. That is it. Everything else you might want a gauge for is covered by an idiot light. The car does have one fun Alfa-like quirk! The car refuses to shift (automatic transmission of course) into overdrive until the engine is fully warmed up. Weird, but true. Perhaps someone more enlightened than me can explain the reasoning behind that one.
The first few days were ok. Driving a boring car is quite relaxing compared to our caffeinated Alfas. I almost fell asleep at the wheel several times. But by the end of the first week, I was getting antsy. At work I was becoming testier with people. I would say things that seemed perfectly ordinary to me but freaked out my friends and coworkers. (Ok, maybe I do that all the time regardless of what I drive.) Obviously withdrawal was setting in!
I started doubling my coffee intake. At night I would sit in the dormant cars and make vroom vroom noises while shifting a cold gearbox. And when I had the chance I worked feverishly to replace the a/c compressor on the Milano. Nothing helped. I even started offering to drive Brittaney around in her Rabbit!! I felt like a strung out crack head! I would do anything for a fix!
At the end of two weeks, I had the a/c repaired on the Milano. Since I had the system completely open, I made sure everything was correct and to spec this time. No more a/c failures for me!
The first day after falling off the wagon was a little tense. Driving a boring car changes your driving style. I had lost my aggression. No more quick passes. No more screeching corners. But over time it, all started to come back to me. Now after several weeks back on Alfa-crack, I can drive as insane as the worst, irresponsible teenager. But I can do it while toe-heal shifting!! So I have to repeat to you all, “Hi, my name is Tim, and I am an addict.” I guess I will keep going to support group meetings, but I hope they never find a cure.
“Alfa Romeo is not merely a maker of automobiles: it truly is something more than a conventionally built car. It is a kind of affliction, an enthusiasm for a means of transport. It is a way of living, a very special way of perceiving the motor vehicle. What it is resists definition. Its elements are like those irrational character traits of the human spirit which cannot be explained in logical terms. They are sensations, passions, things that have much more to do with man’s heart than with his brain”.
-Orazio Satta
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